bliss... or resignation?

For some reason I've not been able to conjure up that much anger or rage recently at my husband's lack of inclination to be a wage-earning member of our household. This may be due to my being away from home frequently as a result of business travel or simply resignation on my part.

In any case there is much to be said for this state of unrage-ness. It was quite tiring to be angry all the time. So much easier to just drift along. Besides, at the moment we do earn enough to live with just my salary.

Let's hope he will indeed get going this year as he has promised he would. Is there determination I detect in his voice this time?

my wonderful hubby

Well, my wonderful hubby is being an absolute prat this week. For some reason, he feels that his having exams gives him all the right in the world to order me around and wait on him hand and foot.

Unbelievable, the nerve of him expecting me to cater to his needs when he orders me to. And getting upset when I don't, then trying to make me feel guilty for not being supportive enough "during my exams".

Too bad. Not happening. If he wants to be waited on hand and foot, he'll have to ask nicely. What planet does he live on? Does he think that just because we're married, he now has the right to treat me with less respect than he would accord a total stranger?

What a complete twat.

gedanken experiment

After watching a recent episode of Nip/Tuck where Wilbur's father finally found the strength to take him home and face his wife of 30 years with a child from a one-night stand, my husband asked me what my reaction would be if I was to be in that man's wife's position and he were in Wilbur's father's. [Wilbur was supposed to have been Troy's son though as it turned he out wasn't, but was fathered by another man]

Hmmm... well that would depend I think on whether we had children at that time. If we did then I would most likely forgive him.

If not then I'm not so sure. Considering that I'm postponing my childbearing until after he'd finish his studies, since most of my money is going towards his not insubstantial fees - this year it's £13k - if in the end I find I cannot have children due to the fact that I've waited too long but he then went and found some other woman to impregnate... that might be a little difficult to forgive.

According to my life plan, at this stage I would have had at least my first child and perhaps my 2nd or 3rd. Very likely a nanny to help look after. In this plan of course both myself and my husband would be working, and that both our salaries should be at a similar level - if his is higher I won't complain. From this point on, all I would have had to worry about would how to bring up the children properly, private school fees (because the british schools are too dumbed down to be of any benefit to any of its pupils but the most challenged), and of course the mortgage, and perhaps a property and shares investment portfolio.

I think I've had to shift my plans by at least 5 years. Let's hope all the organic food is indeed keeping the free radicals at bay.

perpetuating genes

Back again after a hiatus of a few months - for some reason there was not much time to write for a while. It has been a hectic few months, sometimes going on holiday is quite tiring. This week at least when I got back, I was quite relieved to be in the office, getting my life back to its normal routine.

Saw that there has been some comments in my absence, recommending some interesting courses of action. Though not having children is very tempting, the thought of my genes terminating with me is not. Obviously the primary reason to have children is to ensure that your genetic material gets propagated, and not only your genes but also your way of thinking and beliefs. In fact by that argument, anyone who does not have children is a failure regardless of how "successful" s/he may be thought of by society. Ten thousand years down the line, no one will remember who I am, but my genes will still code my movements and features, perhaps even my brain patterns, into my descendants.

The most successful person therefore - and this is the criteria for most of evolution in the animal world, and our evolution also - is the one who has the most children, so being a sperm donor could arguably be the best strategy. Unfortunately, being a woman, my option of donating eggs is rather more difficult, and involves complicated procedures of hormone manipulation.

frustration

I wonder how many other wives out there are in a similar state of frustration as I am. Sometimes I feel guilty for not being a good daughter, and producing little grand kids for my parents to look after and indoctrinate with their good habits. Yet in the UK, without help from family it's an uphill slog to pursue a career, send the kids to nursery at a minimum of £700 a month per child, with practically no tax breaks, and paying a cleaner to clean the house. Let me work through the costs. If I were to have 2 children, and work a minimum of 8 hours from Monday to Friday, I would need to pay £1400 a month on nursery fees, £100 a month for a cleaner to come to clean the house once a week for 2 hours a go, about £500 for children's food / nappies / toys / clothes. That's £2000 just for the children, not counting anything for myself or my husband, or even the mortgage, utility bills, council tax, tv tax, car, insurance. Add those in and it comes to an amount close to £4000 a month. I pay 40% tax, therefore I need to earn at least £100,000 a year!

Unbelievable. I need to move away from the UK and set up home elsewhere. Either that or give up completely on work and just be a baby producing machine. A couple with 8 children receive £38,000 a year in benefits. Very likely a house is included on top of that for free. That means I'd be paid close to the equivalent £80,000 before tax by the state just to sit at home and look after my children. It's no wonder that there are so many teenage mothers out there - they've realised this much sooner than I have.

a new year

Hmm... well my husband is still unemployed. But he's still making delicious dinners. It's got to the point that I prefer his cooking to going out and eating in a restaurant. Therefore we only go out to restaurants where it is difficult to re-create the dishes with the ingredients available in the UK. For example, Japanese food. Mmm... I've somewhat given up on nagging him in the interests of keeping peace in the house - there are blessings, not least the food and the massages. Perhaps I shouldn't be too upset about his lack of motivation to find a job.

The only thing that bothers me slightly is that I should be having a child soon, being over 30 and all. Feeling the obligation is a far cry from the actual deed, however. Somehow I can't see myself in the role of nappy-changing house mom. I'm more of a hire a nanny to look after the little kiddies, and a maid to clean up after them type of woman. Plus a gardener to do the garden. Help is not too expensive even in the UK. Something to consider and keep in mind for the future. In the meantime, it's time for my yummy lamb stew dinner.

first anniversary

Our first anniversary coming up! This is a good time to review the relationship. Most of the time I think my husband isn't too bad at all - granted sometimes he annoys me, but his good points definitely outweigh his bad. So despite my sometimes quite nasty moans, I can't imagine being without him. Especially when it's cold like it is now in winter. :)

My key ingredient in a marriage is that you have to enjoy spending time with each other - sometimes even without talking, doing things together, and talking together also. I also like his smell - so the pheremone mix must be right. We talk about almost anything under the sun still after 10 years together, and still haven't run out of things to discuss. So fundamentally we are good for each other, just wish he'd get his act together...

concentrating on my career

I wonder if I should move to another country should the opportunity arise? There are openings in China and it's one country that I'd very much like to move to, spend some time there. Shanghai apparently would be more enjoyable though I wouldn't mind a few months in Beijing.

The question remains as to what my husband would do. Should he follow me to China - though he really should stay in the UK to concentrate on his career. He does not seem to be as ambitious as he should be, he seems to have lost of of the fire that I fell in love with when we were first going out. I don't understand what is holding him back. In his position I'd be out there looking for a job, not waiting till all his problems disappeared. He's likely to have to wait forever before that happens. There's always a new problem, and the time is never going to be exactly right to be the "ideal" time to start. It just has to be now, just take the chance get out there and go for what he wants.

The problem is he seems to be perfectly happy just meadering along doing nothing much in particular. I can't imagine how he spends his days, and I've almost given up asking him because sometimes it just starts to bore me when he tells me about shows, though occasionally the shows are interesting. Watching tv? He prefers to spend his life watching tv instead being out there living life. I wonder if he's ever really grown up from his adolescence.